My Bubble

Li Xuan — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 16:31:58 +0000

I don’t know what’s my priority now. Should I continue what I’ve done? Or postpone it.. I’m quite messed up now. Should I cry? or should I just sort things out now. Maybe we shouldn’t have started… but it felt so right.

Li Xuan — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 02:14:19 +0000

It should have ended the day I said it should have. Why did I even ask for people’s opinion whether I should or should not? Everyone said should. So I made it my quest to do it. Now I have done so much only to find out that it will never have a beginning. All these stuff I’ve done. It means nothing. I hate myself. I prayed to God to show me a person whom I can trust my entire life to. I woke up to find the last thread I’ve been holding on to. The name I’ve come to hate. Hate because I still can’t let go. Funny how I went around finding someone like you. Ya, I like you that much. But you’ll never know because I’ll never let you know. It’s mere infatuation. It will never be something more, it can only be less. This time, I’m letting this feeling die. And it will never come back.

Too long, too late?

Li Xuan — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 07:22:10 +0000

Two’s a company, three’s a crowd. Its true. I didn’t get it at first but it always happens without fail. I’ve always been in these kinds of situations but I didn’t really get it. I’m ok to just hear their conversation. But when I’m not the 3^rd person, people get kind of weird.. I truthfully don’t like it. I will always rather be the 3^rd person, if need be. Since I’ve been ok with it for so long, I can surely go on like this for a longer period right? This only applies to friendships and not gf/bf.

Li Xuan — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 05:30:16 +0000

I thought today was just like every holiday morning. Okay, I don’t pray every morning. That needs to be worked on and that’s not really the main point of this post. I’ve seen everything differently now. Hopefully, through God’s viewing specs/glasses. Or something like that. I shouted at my sis the other day. I felt bad the moment I shouted. Guilty. I apologized after that. But what’s this weird feeling? I don’t know… Love maybe? I mean, sure I love my sis. But you know… now I love her like in the Bible. Honestly, I don’t exactly have heart to heart talks with my sis. Cause I don’t really want to share every single detail and in which all these situations, I am always at fault. And I mean seriously, why in the world I want to tell my sis how bad I am. But now, there is something different. I’ve made mistakes, I don’t want her to make them as well. And probably I just want her to know, I’m human too. Putting down pride is probably the hardest thing for me to do. I practically fed on pride everyday just to get by. Now, I admit. Pride was and still is my biggest problem. I don’t know what are other’s problems. But bring it to the Lord. If you really want to change, He will help you. Although I prayed for quite a while, lip service is kind of cheap and worthless. Ya ya i wanna change… but is that what I really want? Not at that point. When I saw what this sin was doing to me and others, I really really truly wanted to just cry. All along, I’ve been so sure I was living right. Talk about being proud huh. Now, I really want to find a buddy to help me grow.

My dog is scared of the buzzing sound when they do fogging. Usually I don’t give a shit about it. My dog shivers and cowers in the corner. But today, I ran down. Ok fine, I didn’t want my mom to scold me. Anyway, not the main point. I went down, I couldn’t find my dog. Weird… so my dad had let her out. I walked to the front and she heard me. I hardly see that kind of look but it was a look I probably yearned for all these years. She looked at me and I clapped my hands and called her. Maybe I watched too many movies but that’s how she ran towards me, like in the movies. Then it got me thinking, how long has it been since I last showered her with my love. It was actually when she first came home. That little fur bag vomited on her first car ride. I miss hugging her. I didn’t hug her for almost 3 years. She’s turning 4 soon. I really have let her down as an owner.

Now I regret a lot of things. I want to set them straight. I thought I got over a lot of things, but time did a lot of healing. It’s time to make up to people. I miss them, kinda. Its never too late right?

I’m just so sorry, Dad.

Li Xuan — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 08:05:46 +0000

I guess its ok to sob silently in your room sometimes. Faces of people flashed in my mind, should I call them? But what should I tell them? I don’t even know why I was sobbing. I’ve not sobbed so hard for quite some time. This entire week has been really rough for me. I have no idea why. Being a lazybum just isn’t my thing anymore, is it? I started the week on the correct foot. But I stumbled for the subsequent steps. Wow. Didn’t see that coming. I always wanted to cry in someone’s embrace. All I need is a hug. Sometimes, its really ok to just cry. Sob it out if you have to. As I was sobbing, I figured out what was the bomb that made me feel uneasy all this while. As I’m typing this, I found out I didn’t pick up any signs. They were kind of obvious enough, if I was more alert, I would’ve noticed them and did something about it. But its always a learning point, aye? I never really sobbed until I reached the end. I don’t know why I wanted to stop crying, I wasn’t even finished. I then realized how I craved for a warming and welcoming embrace. Maybe I can finish then. Cause there’s quite a bit still leftover. May that embrace come to me soon, so I can finish up.

tumblr

Li Xuan — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 01:59:27 +0000

check these out. and i don’t think i’m gonna get a tumblr.

http://ryoyamamoto.tumblr.com/post/2905494511/an-atheist-professor-of-philosophy-was-speaking-to-his

http://ryoyamamoto.tumblr.com/post/2777304738/i-want-this

http://ryoyamamoto.tumblr.com/post/2747858515/does-this-really-work

Hmm?

Li Xuan — Sun, 20 Mar 2011 14:46:35 +0000

Should I give up or keep on chasing empty pavements? I’ve ran for quite some time already. But what’s my goal? Where am I running to? What am I running away from? My goal now, changed. Really. It changed so much, I don’t even find that ecstasy in thinking what I wanted to do. I was so puffed up. Nothing but hot air. I still want to continue running for awhile cause I’m still thinking how I can embrace my past. All the wrong I’ve done. But that’s the wrong focus, I know but it’s takes a lot to embrace. I want to be more effective. I really do. All my different phases, now I look back. I was so afraid. Afraid of God. I didn’t want to hear Him talk to me. So foolish. Leading the life I wanted just wasn’t enough to make me happy. Now, I look forward to what He has to say to me. Because I truly do not know what is the next step. My pride. The parasite that has unknowingly clung unto me throughout my entire life. Am I really willing to let go? I don’t know. I can tame it, but am I really willing to let go? I shall continue to pray. That’s all I can do. For now.

Got played.

Li Xuan — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 12:32:55 +0000

At first, I was reluctant to go for youth retreat and I have no idea why I felt this way. Last time I didn’t know how the demons will tempt us but now I kind of know. Sometimes I’m quick to anger because of a stupid reason. It shouldn’t even have come to my mind but it did. I really couldn’t comprehend it. Then Luke told us about his experience and Pastor Edwin said that demons can oppress Christians. They can make us think of weird things and make us do stupid stuff. Though they cannot harm us, they will play with our minds. To make us inefficient servants for God. Today, I got played with again. Unknowingly. It’s really very scary for me to realize what I have thought about. But at that moment, I didn’t think much of it. When I’m among my Christian brothers and sisters, I find that I don’t get played that often and I think it’s more difficult since we will encourage each other with God’s Word. But among my non-Christian friends, there’s no one to encourage me with God’s Word. Thus, it is easier to be played with. I really don’t know how to deal with it sometimes. All these scary thoughts. Thinking of how useless I am, how I can’t witness for the Lord, how I will fail in my planning and execution of things and making me doubt in the Lord. I really really hate it.

:S

Li Xuan — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 08:31:29 +0000

I’m so confused. So I can’t rely on anyone? No one wants to lend me their shoulder? So I cannot cry and be comforted right? All I can do is silently sob. Although God is all I need, He didn’t make me the only human on earth. He made Eve for Adam. I wonder who He made for me. Because I can’t seem to scream for help to anyone. All my silent cries for help, no one noticed. But it’s better this way isn’t it? At least no one has to care about me anymore.

I’m not the person I thought I was. I’m still having difficulty accepting who I really am. So I’ve been living a lie all along? Some parts maybe, but not totally. I’m not as powerful. I don’t have special influences over anyone. Even though I love to think that way, I just simply don’t. I thought me and certain people had a special friendship. It turns out, it was one-sided. Kinda sucks to be me. I thought I had to change, but it turns out I just have to accept the real me. Deflating my ego isn’t my thing. It was built on nothing, so its not strange that it will crumble. How hard I’m trying to keep my ego? Very hard. I’ve turned into something more weird. I don’t recognize myself anymore. Was I this quick to anger? Was I this crazy? I don’t even know what I was like. Can someone remind me? It would help me immensely.

What’s that?

Li Xuan — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 17:41:43 +0000

I’m still figuring myself out everyday. Everyday I feel new emotions. All this while, i’ve been self-centered. I don’t know when I realised it but i’ve been thinking as though i’m the best there is, but when i’m actually the worst there could be. My little world was visited by reality. It made me discontented. My world was not as perfect as I thought it was.